Fifty Shades of Grey | Fifty Shades Darker | Fifty Shades Freed
author: E.L. James
released: 2011-2012
publisher: The Writers Coffee Shop Publishing House
cover love: ♥♥♥
When literature student Anastasia Steele is drafted to interview the successful young entrepreneur Christian Grey for her campus magazine, she finds him attractive, enigmatic and intimidating. Convinced their meeting went badly, she tries to put Grey out of her mind – until he happens to turn up at the out-of-town hardware store where she works part-time. The unworldly, innocent Ana is shocked to realize she wants this man, and when he warns her to keep her distance it only makes her more desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her – but on his own terms. Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success – his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving adoptive family – Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a passionate, physical and daring affair, Ana learns more about her own dark desires, as well as the Christian Grey hidden away from public scrutiny. Can their relationship transcend physical passion? Will Ana find it in herself to submit to the self-indulgent Master? And if she does, will she still love what she finds? (from Goodreads)
ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED ON 6/15/2012 ON BOOKSLIKESTARS.NET
*warning*
lots of bad words/adult content matter below
Review:
First, I think I should state why I read these books. And why I chose to review them. Because as you can see from my blog, romance/erotica ain’t my thing.
When it came down to the decision to read the Fifty Shades of Grey series, I basically got sucked into the hype. I mean, I couldn’t turn on the radio, watch the news or go on Twitter without hearing about E.L. James’s mommy porn phenomenon. I’m still not sure what mommy porn exactly is. I didn’t even know what BDSM meant. So naturally, I googled. And was hit with:
Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism.
Okay…that sounded weird…and hot.
After reading those four words, my eyebrows shot up and I thought, “Shit, I gotta see what’s going on in this book”. People write about kinky shit all the time so I couldn’t figure out why these books were so damn popular. I felt compelled to investigate.
Obviously, these books are trash. Yes, it’s a sweaty, sexy, trashy read. It’s also the trash you’d put in a hefty bag. Don’t let all the five star hype you see on Amazon and Goodreads delusion you into thinking Fifty Shades is in any way mesmerizing. Because it’s all a matter of personal taste. And based on my taste, no matter how much shock value this book vomits up, there’s no way in hell I’d give it a high rating.
So, let’s talk about the story…
Um, you’ve already read it. It’s called Twilight. It features the bad guy who wants the virgin. And he gets her. The end.
Okay, I’ll admit I can see some of the appeal behind Fifty Shades of Grey. The virgin Anastasia Steele meets sexy, rich wealthy, business man Christian Grey who’s into some pretty kinky fuckery (her words, not mine). He’s really a business before pleasure kind of guy. He has contracts written up that are thoroughly detailed with his sexual demands (too many to name) and toys he likes to play with (in other words, whip and probe you with). When it came to Christian Grey, I was hooked. If E.L. James did one thing right, she made a hot piece of man meat. She gave him (and only him) real complexity. A haunting childhood that left him with dark secrets, twisted sexual tastes and unable to find solace in a normal (without cuffs, chains and riding crops) relationship with any woman. Most of Christian’s past is kept a mystery which made me keep reading…oh, and the sex of course. This next statement unfortunately says a lot about me, but if I was offered a contract to do this man for three months, regardless of being bound with cable ties, I would’ve been hitched to the bed before the ink on my signature dried. Christian’s need for control, his blunt attitude and audacious desires had my sauces steaming.
What really killed the story (besides the author, more on that later) was Ana. The only way to describe her character is to take all the annoying factors of Bella Swan and multiply them by infinity. Yep, that’s Anastasia Steele. I couldn’t stand her. She’s mediocre, simple and dense. It was hard to read from her POV without rubbing my temples, rolling my eyes, or throwing my Kindle across the room (I wanted to but didn’t). The instances when Christian gagged her mouth brought on such relief because it’s the only time Ana and her inner-goddess sitting on her chaise-lounge and her subconscious with her Charles Dickens’s books would shut the fuck up. This bitch acted like she had two other people living inside her head and she’s not even crazy.
In the second and third books, Christian Grey slowly stops being Christian Grey. Fifty Shades Darker picks up right after Ana and Christian’s break up at the end of FSoG, in which both parties claim is a life-altering, can’t eat, can’t sleep, want to sit in the corner and die type of torture they never want to feel again.
Seriously?
Their break-up had the shelf life of about 130 hours. After they get back together, Christian is savagely molded into Edward Cullen on steroids. Fifty Shades Freed was 500+ pages of this:
C: I love you.
A: I love you too.
C: Never leave me. You are my whole life.
A: Ditto.
C: Let’s fuck.
A: Okay.
A: I’m going to work now.
C: I’ll be by later to stalk you and I’ll have my security team stalk you when I can’t. You are my wife, and you’re vagina belongs to only me, understand?
A: Yes sir. I love you so much. Bye.
I didn’t even want to read Fifty Shades Freed but I was informed it would be worth my while.
(lies)!
It was the worst out of all three. While reading, I thought I had the mystery character that was connected to Christian all figured out but when it was revealed it wasn’t even that intriguing. At all. When I found out why they were connected I really wanted to shout, “That it?! Who cares?! What did that have to do with anything?” Mystery person had no insignificance. PLOT FAIL!
In the second and third book, Christian’s sex appeal is still fire hot but he becomes less desire-able to me when he turns into the ultimate stalker and control freak. He is in every aspect of Ana’s life. I repeat, every aspect. I’m sorry, but what about that is romantic? Having your boyfriend up your crack during every waking hour of your life. Throughout the entire series nothing is really a challenge for either of them. Christian can get anything he wants because of his power and money and then he just gives Ana whatever she wants plus more. I felt like Ana broke through Christian’s painful past and issues with very little difficulty. This man has been hiding secrets and shame for almost 30 years. You’d think it take a great effort to change him. There wasn’t enough struggle. Everything just comes too easy and there’s no fun in that. Though in FSD and FSF, Christian does deliver the best fucking lines ever when he admits why he’s into his sexual preferences and when Ana drops a big bomb on him.
As these books are entertaining on some level, I can understand why people would jump to give them great reviews, however, I must disagree. I don’t care how much Christian banging Ana’s back out left my seat wet, I cannot, in the name of literature, give these books a good rating. The writing is bad. Awful. Horrible. Look, I know these books aren’t supposed to be full of great prose, secret meanings and thought provoking passages but there are just too many flaws I can’t overlook. Maybe it’s because the story started out as just fan-fiction but come on, if you’re going put your work out there for people to BUY, can’t you devote some time to research and maybe an editor?
E.L. James is British. So…if you’re writing a book about two horny fucks in Washington, in the United States of America, shouldn’t your characters sound like, I don’t know, Americans?
He rang me on the phone.
You’re acting like an arse.
Can anyone tell me what average twenty year old talks like this?
Did I mention they live in Washington? Guess how many days in this book were cloudy? Or how many times it rained?
The lack of authenticity and most of the scenes involving Ana, (especially when she cries like a baby and has a mini mental breakdown because Christian pleasures her too much without letting her have an orgasm) made the books hard to enjoy, sometimes unbearable to read. The plot, setting and characters all come off as products of lazy writing. The author should’ve done her homework. Please don’t get me started on the similes and metaphors.
(dry heaving)
We had enough copycat crap spewing all over the shelves when Twilight was hot on the market, now the popularity of these books are going to breed its just-as-badly-written spawn into our book stores. It really pisses me off when publishers become trend-hounds. I’ve already received emails from NetGalley highlighting books that will appeal to readers looking for same erotic essence of E.L. James.
(more dry heaving)
Overall, Fifty Shades is a pointless read. 35% shock value wrapped around 65% toilet paper. The story line was super boring and had very little meaning, if any. The only thing I enjoyed was Christian Grey and the hot sex he starred in. But that’s about it. If E.L. James was smart, she’d work on a prequel. With just Christian. From his perspective. Before he met Ana. When he was wild and angry, when he began craving control and dominate sexcapades with submissive women. I also suggest she take a few creative writing courses before she tries writing her next novel.
2.5